Rough Draft Improvements

Rough Draft Improvements

My rough draft: 

- I was told to take the many instances of you, our, we, etc. out of my paper in order to make it sound more professional. Doing this also took out some redundancies in my paper.

- I was told that the opposing side of my paper was weak, so I added a personal experience of mine and another argument for the counter-argument.

- I noticed that there was quite a few parts of my paper that could be reworded. I changed those parts to either be more informative or more engaging for the reader.

Emily's rough draft

- Another paragraph was added about alternative sodas that companies are making in order to meet the demand for sodas made with real sugar. This paragraph is informative, but I feel it distracts from the main point and should be shortened.

- More statistics were added to the paper, particularly one about how bronchitis tends to develop in people who consume lots of soda sweetened with high fructose corn syrup. These new statistics help even more with the credibility of the paper.

- I noticed in this paper that some sentences should be re-formatted since they ran on too much or were in the wrong place. Emily made some of those changes, such as in the first paragraph which separates "product" and "but", and it is easier to read this way.