Sabastian Steven's Draft:
- His grammatical forming of sentences has been dramatically improved since his last rough draft, with the idea being better represented and much more engaging.
- He cut back on the use of "I, we, and our" which really contributed to a broader use of vocabulary which vastly improved it, though I am still slightly uneasy since those words were not taken out of the paper entirely. However, they now contribute more to the paper in this latest version.
- Added a tab space at the beginning of the essay. I think that was merely a typo, but that still made it look a lot better.
- I refined my sentences more here and there in the hopes of making it "flow"better, easier to understand, and hopefully more engaging.
- I added in another paragraph that gave an uplifting look on the situation.
- Also added in a few more references from the school's database.
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